• Adam Anderson

Stay The F**k Inside

I've got a captive audience at the moment. You’re all stuck at home, which means you’re more likely to read my awful, awful articles.

I never thought I'd say this, but I’d like to thank government procedure for this grim opportunity…

Anyway, it’s been a few weeks since the nation-wide lock down, and I’ll admit, I’m not handling it great.

There’s been so many times where I’ve sat on the balcony, witnessed a group of morons walking round, and wanted to set up a high calibre sniper rifle.

I know I’m not alone here.

Before you all jump to conclusions, I’m not talking about:

The lone joggers.

The couple having their morning bike ride.

Darren round the corner walking his big slobbery dog, which just so happens to be the size of a moose.

These aren’t the people I mean.

I mean the Neanderthals lumbering round in groups of twenty - shirts off, sunglasses on, licking the pavement as they go.

You’ll have heard this analogy before, but it really does feel like being back in school – and a few bad lads are responsible for the whole class staying behind.

Speaking of school, there’s also gangs of dickhead twelve-year olds riding round on their bikes. It’s like they’ve claimed the empty streets for themselves after some post-apocalypse that only effected the big smelly grown-ups.

But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. It seems like kids are getting dumber every school year. Hopefully, they don’t know what they’re doing.

As much as it pains me to report this, some people have called the lockdown “A policy the Nazis would have used.” There’s genuinely a movement that believes this is all a conspiracy to make us easier to control.

I’d say I’m shocked, but these are also the people who think 5G radio waves can cause viral infections.

Speechless, is not the word…

There’s one saving grace at this moment in time though. We’ve smashed through the toilet paper crisis.

We can finally sit on the bog in peace, and not sweat over that lone sheet of paper on the roll.

But, there is still a long way to go until the country can recover. Scratch that – until the world can recover.

Supposedly, if no prevention were in place, everyone infected with COVID-19 would also infect another 2 people around them. Who would then each infect another 2 – totalling 4.

Then those 4 would infect 2 each, totalling 8.

Eat. Sleep. Infect. Repeat.

That’s how this nasty little bugger spreads so quickly. Within days, you have thousands upon thousands of people infecting thousands upon thousands more.

So, you can see why it’s so important to follow these damn rules. Most importantly, why you shouldn’t be a Neanderthalic twat who thinks this is the perfect time for a street party.

If you must keep yourself occupied, then pick up a hobby. I’ve recently taken up day drinking. Nice way to relax, if I do say so myself.

Or you could catch up on those box sets you keep missing.

Or bake cakes. Any type of cake. I honestly don’t care.

Just don’t gather your posse of lowbrow mates and stroll round town, rubbing your moist face on people.

Or I will (repeat, will) set up a Barrett 50. Cal with extended tripod.


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